The first thing to note about this is that I may like some of the following bands, regardless of what screaming benders they are. There are several factors which make these bands gay. All of these factors will become exceedingly apparent during the course of the post. As a public service announcement; I have absolutely nothing against gay people, it was just the best adjective for describing some of these queers....
Kiss
I know I'll get ran up the flagpole for this one. The first thing you'll be thinking is, "Gene Simmons?? There is no way that muthuh-fuckas gay!" And you'd be correct. I, in fact, like Gene. But Kiss is an absolute nostalgia band. Everyone loves thinking back to the '70s and how cool Kiss was and how much their parents hated that they were going to see them.
1 - Lois Just Told Peter "Kiss is Gay"
Did you know Kiss has 19 albums? Yes, 19. I am a metal head, and you know how many Kiss songs I can name? Two. Detroit Rock City, and Rock 'n Roll All Nite. So we've established that they weren't particularly memorable musically, now lets dissect the rest. The face paint was a total hook. It took a gimmicky jaunt like face paint to get them noticed. Other than that, the platform shoes aren't helping them any. They were definitely a testament to the disco era, but what metal musician wants to be associated with "Saturday Night Fever" or the "Bee-Gees?" No one, that's who. And I know Kiss has a lot of fans, both inside and, outside metal. I just don't feel it.
Conclusion: totally gay.
Judas Priest
This is the first of several bands on this list that I really, really like. Judas Priest is freaking metal. And for those of you I might be catching unawares, Rob Halford (singer for Judas Priest) is gay. Like, actual gay, the digs-other-dudes gay. But damn does he rock.
2 - As if the Leather Chaps Weren't Enough, Rob had to go Crotchless
Once you really listen to some Priest songs, you start to figure it out. Even the titles kind of give it away. If songs like "Turbo Lover," "Ram it Down," and "Hot for Love" didn't give it away, their penchant for chains and leather (of the dominatrix style) surely drives the point home.
Conclusion: totally awesome, totally gay.
Motely Crue
One phrase can sum-up the homosexualitute of Motely Crue: Glam Rock. It was the '80s, getting noticed was hard. So the solution? Lets make our band of men look like women. Glam rock is the skid-mark on the whitey-tighties of metal. Motely Crue did most metal right; had some kick-ass riffs, fast drums, and loved their sex and drugs. I do like more Motely Crue tunes than I'd care to admit to a large (small) group of readers, but that doesn't change how freakin' gay they looked on stage. It wasn't just the obscenely tight pants, knee-high boots, and spandex, it was (notice recurring theme) the make-up.
3 - These Guys Look Like Girls
This wasn't even in the same vein as Kiss, this was flat out use of Revlon and Rimmel London products. Call me crazy, but if you're a metal band and need to go to a Mary Kay party before you go on tour? Well, that dog just won't hunt, sir.
Conclusion: visually gay.
Dio
This is another one that I really enjoy. Ronnie James Dio (b. 1942 - d. 2010), aside from developing the iconic "Devil's Horns" gesture synonymous with metal worldwide (it was NOT Gene Simmons), rocked for decades with his project Dio as well as Black Sabbath.
4 - We Will Miss You, Your Majesty
Dio did have one thing that made them... you know. Dio had this fantastic lyricism. They sung of unicorns, angels and demons. It was just a little gay. Oh, and the one song to rule them all as far as gay? Rainbow in the Dark. Cut, print, gay.
Conclusion: lyrically gay
Dragonforce
These guys suffer from the same token as Dio, their lyricism is a bit queer. Aside from that, every Dragonforce music video I have ever seen has this "dueling guitarists" motif that annoys the shit out of me. They'll have one of their (completely ridiculous) guitarist play some solo, then he'll drink some beer while the other one plays an equally technical solo, and back and forth.
5 - Beer and Solos
It's like watching a really fast paced game of Pong on an old CRT TV.
Conclusion: music video-ly gay.
Linkin Park
Now, I'm not sayin' these queers are queers, but if the streets were paved with pricks they'd be dragging their asses. There are few bands I dislike more than Linkin Park. How is it possible they still try to play-off this angsty, teenage persona? There is only one time and place wherein you, or anyone else on this rock, are allowed to cry about high school. You what that's called? High school. Everyone else seems to understand it. I mean, once someone gets out of high school, they stop complaining about the people who beat them up, or how your parents never understand you, or how I couldn't get any girls... uh, I mean, how they couldn't get any girls. It's a right of passage. Mature, evolve, change, understand it. I don't know anyone who listened to Linkin Park in high school and still likes their stuff today. Not letting go, especially of all that crap is epically gay. The band also has this retarded lyricism to their songs. It's all insufferable poetry and obvious metaphors that speak to the arrested intellectual development of these homos. "These lines don't make sense grammatically or lyrically? Fuck it, no one listens to the words anyway."
Conclusion: unwaveringly gay.
Gwar
During their shows, this band uses a giant phallus to spray white matter on the crowd. That is all.
Conclusion: phallically gay.
Photo Credits:
1 - Family Guy/Seth MacFarlane
5 - Screen shot from "Through the Fire and the Flames" music video, www.dragonforce.com
