Friday, October 22, 2010

Let's Talk About Accents... Baby

From a young age, I have had a "knack" if you will for accents, impressions, or what-have-you. It actually all began in elementary school with a wicked Bill Clinton impersonation. Then, I started doing Apu and Snake from The Simpsons and now I'll try pretty much to do anything. My dad definetly fueled the fire as he did accents too and thought mine were funny. When I moved to the UK I was first exposed to the disparity in peoples impressions of a person based directly on their accent. It was here that I started to emulate the primary regional dialects of the British Isles; English, Irish, Scottish. The latter coming most naturally, but all convincing in their own right, I tend to fall into most readily. The best use of this skill came a few years later at college in the US. For, while UK girls couldn't care less about an American accent, US girls tend to get lubed up at the sound of an accent from, well, anywhere but the US. After several successes and failures (which I'll delve into more specifically as appropriate) I managed to devise rules for using said accents. And now, an Overly-Pretentious production, I give you...

Accents: The Simple Rules to Follow

1) This is probably the most important rule of all. Don't use your accent if you want (or expect) to see the girl again. This rule does not really pertain to any success/failure criteria, but protects the user of the accent from future smiting by a girl he likes. If you use an accent, and the story behind it, to pick a girl up, that is how she knows you. And I've learned the ladies have a particular dislike for dudes whose their first encounter with turned out to be nothing but bald-faced lies. If you're planning a one night thing for whatever reason, knock yourself out. You would also not believe how the odds play out with girls finding you again either. At a late-night party in college, in an attempt to get more girls to the event, my friend Geary told some girls he was talking with on the phone to "Talk to his sexy-accented Scottish friend." This was of course my cue to put the accent on and get the girls to the party. After speaking with several girls on the phone and hearing "OH MY GOD YOUR ACCENT IS SO HOT" more than once, a young lady got on the phone an after talking to me a few moments says, "Wait a minute, I know you. You're the accent guy!"I of course denied the claims but she had me pegged. We hooked up at a party months before and I had subsequently not called her. Needless to say, this was an immediate ABORT. I made up an excuse and handed the phone back. We got bit in the ass about that one.

2) When talking to a girl while using an accent, go with what you know. Nothing spells accent-related disaster faster than trying to make up a story on the fly. I was lucky enough to have been to Scotland several times and lived in the UK for many years. This made it easy for me to have a convincing back story (it was generally true). The easiest way to muddle through this quagmire is to fake only the accent. Stick with your actual life, but, you know, sounding sexy. This leads to the inevitable question, "Why do you have an accent?" This is easy, you go with either the:
A) I was born here, but moved afterwards then came back (if you already let it slip you're from the US), or...
B) I was born there, and came back after learning to talk
Both of these are reasonable because, generally, no one remembers what learning to talk was like anyway so you don't get questions about it. You are then able to continue on with your life-story without having to fabricate any further.

3) Like any good group of dudes, you'll have a wing-man, the point here is to collaborate with your boys. If you decide an accent is the way to go, make sure the guys around you know the score before the game begins. As fake accents aren't uncommon in the US scene, girls like to confirm before getting too heavily invested in the social situation. So make sure your guy friends know what accent your using, where you're "from," and the "origins" of your accent. Conflicting stories will also kill you plan. If you're heading out with a friend who will drop the charade because he's got a chance, you might want to forgo using an accent around him, or remind him that a guy with an accent will increase the odds of everyone in the group scoring. Even better, if you've got a good chick friend, make sure she knows the story as girls at the bar/party will be more likely to trust her.

Fig. 1 - This Should be Your Pregame

4) One of the stranger tips is to go it alone. This meaning be the only accent in the group, not troll for booty by yourself. It's just as sexually suicidal to go alone (just you without any other people) when picking up ladies. While I have done accent-man-dates, then tend to not work out as well. Though fun, for some reason having two dudes in one group with accents (either from common, or different countries) sets off an internal alarm for girls. They become immediately suspicious. From #2 and #3, I try to give tips to avoid or alleviate suspicion. It's natural that they are with all the impostors trying to gain entry to their knickers. But two accented dudes is just too much. But the suspicion aroused by two accents is incredibly difficult to over come. There are enough questions and dodges to remember for one person; now multiply that by two. And trying to keep other peoples stories straight is hard enough while trying to make sure yours jives as well. If you and a friend have good enough accents to both do it, go by the KISS principle.

5) Finally, it's always important to know your country. If you have to do some geographical, historical, or even societal/current events research about your accent's country, then do it. Any little thing (and little things are often best) you know about your "homeland" is points in your favor. Oh, and if you're doing an accent and you start chatting with a girl who is any of the following:
A) a native of the country which accent you're mimicking
B) lived/lives in the country which accent you're mimicking
C) studies that country
Any of those criteria should lead to an immediate abort. This girl probably knows more about your homeland than you do.

Fig. 2 - Believe it or Not, This is Actually a Problem for Some Folks

These tips by no means guarantee success. But if you follow them, it should increase your odds. So, remember know your homeland, be the only accent in your group, make sure the crew knows what is going on, have believable story, and never use the accent for a woman you want to see again.


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